*Insert Maniacal Laugh Here*

Happy Halloween, Everyone!

If you're curious about Howl-O-Scream...don't worry, I'll fill you in later. For today, however, I just wanna talk about Halloween. Mwah-hah-haaaa!

I'm still as excited about Halloween now as I was when I was a kid, only now I hand the candy out instead of banging on doors and pleading for it. I went to Target on my lunch break for the sole purpose of purchasing candy (yes, I'm a procrastinator) and returned with Whoppers, Snickers, "Jumbo Caramels", and peanut butter M&M's. Don't knock Whoppers...they're pretty darn good in my book and an absolute bargain at $2.11 compared to those rob-you-blind Reese's Peanut butter cups at $5.99 A BAG!!!

For educational purposes and your reading pleasure, here are a couple of things to keep in mind regarding Halloween "etiquette":

1. Conserve Candy and Rot the Teeth of More Children.
Now, learning from past experience, you can't just go handing out candy willy-nilly or you'll run out after about 45 minutes and then where will you be? Either faced with pouty, verge-of-tears children in their fairy-princess and Spider Man costumes who just can't understand why you're not giving them sugar-coated lard balls. Or raiding your pantry for canned goods. Or confronted with a 17-year-old in a "Scream" mask, dripping blood, and nothing to give him to get him off your porch (plus, as an added bonus, your house and/or car egged later as a result). Instead, pace yourself and give only one piece of (moderately sized) candy to each child. If you're worried about looking stingy, simply grab one piece in your fist (so they can't see it) so it looks like you're grabbing a wad, lower your hand COMPLETELY into their bag, and drop it so that they never see how much or what you're giving them, they only hear/feel the drop. Even if they look in their bags after you retract your hand (and they inevitably will), they can't see that well through the eye-holes in their mask. They'll mumble "thank you" and get on to the next sucker.

2. People--please hear me now because I won't say it again and I don't want to see crying kids and sketchy egg-weilding teenagers glowering at me when I do actually run out of candy (it's gonna happen eventually, after all). WHEN THE PORCH LIGHT GOES OFF, AIN'T NO MORE CANDY!! Don't come up on my porch in the pitch dark, silhouetted against the street light outside thinking that if you stand there and ring the bell or bang long enough, somebody will come give you something. We're OUT! No More!! Go Away! I've got eggs of my own!!

Lucky for you, those are my two main things to keep in mind on this glorious holiday of Halloween. You will find me tonight, once I give out of my six bags of "fun-sized" candy, watching Garfield and Charlie Brown and eating freshly baked Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies with the orange and black M&M's. No you can't have any. Get off my porch.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!