Dots: The Best Candy in the World!

Just when you thought your morning commute was comfortably boring...
Okay. I haven't been at work even an hour yet but i still feel somewhat itchy and uncomfortable. I'm suspicious of my own clothes. "What the crap are you talking about??" you ask? I'm sorry to tell you this, but I have another bug story. With a completely unrelated story wrapped inside it like one of those Combo pretzel snacks that I love so much. Anyway, I digress. Alright, the first part of the story contains no bugs but is weird just the same and I saw it on my commute so i thought i'd throw it in there. Care if you will. If you don't...what better do you have to do?
As usual, I'm cruising down I-40 at speeds close to 80 mph, uninterrupted until I reach the I-40/Beltline split (aka:exit 301). Well, actually, traffic was backed up to about 306. I was mildly annoyed as I was running about five minutes behind my usual commute time already. So anyway, I'm sitting there enjoying being leered at by these complete idiots in a construction pickup next to me(there are three of 'em crammed in the cab). Anyone who knows me will know how annoying this is to me. ticks me off quite a bit, actually. As if being stuck in traffic isn't bad enough but being gawked at by a truckful of moronic dinguses (Matt's word) in the vehicle next to you the entire time, just adds to the pleasure of the experience. Weird...I jsut had deja vu. Anyway again. I cranked the music up and kept my eyes straight ahead. We crawled forward at about six mph for several miles, stopping frequently along the way to enjoy the roadside view. I was thinking there must be some kind of wreck or something up ahead to cause this kind of back-up. Well...when we actually got up to the scene of whatever had happened, there was a highway patrol car on the right hand shoulder of the road, pulled over behind what looked like one of those navy-blue under-cover-cop Crown Victorias. what I found strange was that the Crown Victoria was completely covered in pine branches and green pine needles. completely covered. One of the back tail lights was busted out and i'm pretty sure the windshield was cracked. After passing this spectacle, of course, traffic picked up and I arrived at work, a whopping fifteen minutes late. guess i'll be here till five-fifteen today to appease my conscience. But yeah, if there's anyone out there who saw this and can enlighten me as to what happened, I'd appreciate it. I'm guessing either this guy got caught outside in some REEEALLY bad weather last night when the thunderstorms came through (really cool, by the way) or he's going above and beyond the call of duty to stay as "under cover" as an under-cover-cop Crown Victoria can to catch those crazy speeders on I-40....ridiculously so. Somebody buy this guy some doughnuts. Or some counseling for living through a storm experience like that.

So the commute continued.

I was driving along completely fine, flying toward cary at about 70mph all the way past NC State. It slowed down a bit and then I got on US 1 to complete the last five minutes or so of my drive to work. I'm almost there, what could go wrong, right? This is where the bug comes in. I think he waited until i relaxed a bit, having almost reached work, but also in heavy traffic, to come out and crawl up my arm. I felt something on my left arm and looked down, seeing what looked like one of those gigantic black ants. I can't be completely sure because I was trying to keep my eyes on the road. Well, what can a girl do in a situation like that? I started swatting at it and myself frantically, trying to kill it and only succeeding in knocking it onto my lap. I continued to swat but it disappeared and I had no idea where it went. Not a comfortable situation to find oneself in. Now about three minutes of my commute remained, including the world's longest stop light. I pulled into the parking lot at my office building as quickly as humanly possible, got out of the car, and proceeded to jump up and down maniacally, brushing my arms, legs, butt, and back with my hands as hard as i could go. I never said a word, but I was thinking "Get it off!! Get it off!!! Where is it??" Much to the amusement, I'm sure, of anyone watching from their office. No sign of the bug. Not in my seat, not on my clothes, not anywhere. My guess is it's lurking in my car waiting for me to attempt the drive to lunch when it will attack again.
Bugs are all well and good...until they invade your personal space.

Sadly, people, that's about all the update on life as I know it that I can give you at this time. Oh! Well except that my good and long-lost friend Shay will be coming down to NC next week and I can't wait to see her!! I'm going to drag her out somewhere to do something (not sure yet what)but whatever we do, I'm going to be so excited to see her that I'll probably annoy the poo out of her and make it impossible for her to enjoy herself anyway. Hopefully not. No, Shay, you can't back out now.
Still loving the job (and the regular paycheck), still loving my wonderful boyfriend and just-as-wonderful family. No, i've not moved out yet and yes, I'm still completely happy there.
Now for some shout-outs as I have nothing exciting going on in my life right this second and these folks do: A big "Woot woot!" to Craig, my best friend in college and now my brother-in-law, who just got a big fatty new job that's shaping up to rock completely. Another "Woot" to Jeffrey, who not only got a job offer last week for after he graduates in December, but also got a raise. Come on, people! You're eclipsing my First-Real-Adult-Job accomplishment! Also, I'm really, really glad Timmy and Laura made it home safe and sound from London, where they were on a train when the second bombing attempt was made. Where's my miniature red phone booth, hippie?! (just kidding)
And last, but not least, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!to my friend Derrick who turns 25 today! We've spent over ten years tolerating each other's company in small doses but he always makes me laugh. usually at myself. He's not very funny. So happy birthday, D. and may this year be filled with good stuff.

Don't forget to stop and smell your local Subway employee.

Thoughts For The Day with Melissa Sloan

You missed me. Admit it.
Once again, I write to you from my office here in lovely, Cary, NC. I'm on my lunch break so no, i'm not supposed to be working. Get off my back.

There is an interesting social phenomenon that has come to my attention since working in an office with sixty-some odd people and as I am of the opinion that it is indeed interesting, I will share it with you. If you disagree, well you're wrong. This phenomena involves bathroom etiquette so I know that there are those of you to whom this fact will guarantee an interesting blog post. That being said, I introduce to you:

The Workplace Restroom Mexican Standoff
(no it's not nearly as disgusting as it may sound on initial reading.)

As I am female, I am therefore only familiar with this occurance in the Ladies' Room (well...except for this one time when I just had to go and the ladies' facilities were full, as is often the case.) so I can't speak for guys. Guys, being the socially inept creatures that they often are, might not find this to be an issue at all. In my experience, however, what commonly occurs is this: One woman enters the bathroom and proceeds into a stall, where she closes the door and hangs up any articles she might have brought in with her. Almost immediately thereafter, another woman enters the bathroom and proceeds to enter another stall, usually leaving an empty stall in the middle as a kind of "personal space cushion". (Arguably, the more personal space you have in a restroom, the better.)
It is at this point that the Workplace Restroom Mexican Standoff occurs. Both ladies have to go and both know that they work in the office with the other one, in some capacity or other. Therefore, any anxiety either of the ladies normally feels upon using the bathroom in a public facility is increased tenfold (Hence the name "Workplace Restroom Mexican Standoff" and not just "Restroom Mexican Standoff"). After all, most anybody can use a restroom easily with the knowledge that you'll never see the other person present again.
Let it be known that I minored in Psychology at East Carolina University and can therefore attest to an actual psychological condition that prevents some people from being able to use the bathroom while anyone else is present in the room and can hear them. Call it a kind of performance anxiety, if you will. No, I can't remember the name of the condition but it exists. Trust me and let it go.
It is as a result of this condition and the previously mentioned circumstances that you have the WBMS. Both of the ladies involved are forced to sit in silence until one of them relents, gathers her things, and leaves with the intention of returning when no one is in the bathroom. The remaining woman is the winner, therefore, and can proceed with her business, leaving the bathroom feeling triumphant and more comfortable than when she entered it.
The Workplace Restroom Mexican Standoff is an awkward situation to find yourself in if you are not a strong and outgoing individual, socially. If you are not one of these outgoing people, simply keep these things in mind:

1. They can't see you. They may or may not know who you are.
2. If you entered the bathroom first, you have the right-of-way, so to speak. Don't let them back you down.
3. If you are the second to arrive in the bathroom, I advise innocently washing your hands, blowing your nose, and otherwise justifying your presence in the restroom without actually using the facilities and then exiting quickly. Return when the restroom is empty.
and 4. If still unsure how to act, wear indistinguishable shoes.

You'll notice, if in this situation, that a lot of times, the other person involved will try to outlast you by sounding "busy". In otherwords, they'll blow their nose, cough, pull off some tissue paper. Don't let this fool you. They're just trying to break you and make you leave first. Stand firm and you will be the Workplace Restroom Mexican Standoff victor.

Go forth, being newly enlightened, and make me proud.

I Have Border Sauce On My Nose

Well...I did. I'm not gonna leave it there.
Lunch today at my desk, compliments of Taco Bell. That is, compliments after I paid my $4.83. Who knew soft tacos would be so expensive? Didn't it used to be that one could purchase a chicken soft taco for mere cents as opposed to the, what, $1.70-something you have to pay for them now? Another one of life's simple pleasures goes "ttthhhhhbbbbt" (as quoted from Calvin and Hobbes...the noise, not the actual statement). If you haven't read any Calvin and Hobbes lately, no wonder food just doesn't taste right and your pets don't like you anymore.
Ah, another day at work. Still having fun, don't you worry. I like it here so much, in fact, i'm seriously considering moving in. Well...not really but you get the idea. It's been a pretty quiet Tuesday so far as Tuesdays go. You'd think there'd be a lot of crazy 4th of July stories flying around, but not so here. Most of the stories I've heard from my office have mostly consisted of the words "a few cold ones" and "I watched the fireworks down at (insert any location here)". No interesting injuries or anything.
As for my 4th of July, I spent it mostly furniture shopping with mom and dad. Yes. No you weren't invited. What kind of furniture, you ask (so nice of you to ask!)? Wicker. All kinds of wicker. Did you know that they make plastic wicker? I had no idea. you'd be astounded at the different varieties of wicker out there. And don't even get me started on cushions! The versatility and options are endless! Well...actually, if you didn't want tropical flowers or stripes, i think you were pretty much out of luck. You could choose from different colors though, so don't get your FTLs in a wad. Colors out the yin yang. Mom and Dad finally settled (after much careful consideration and sighing and sitting on protectively plastic-covered cushions that made amusing sounds) on a lovely tropical flower/fern pattern with a deep red background. Excellent choice. I gave it the thumbs-up and so, my part of the bargain being done, we moved on to the next part of the bargain: pancakes at Crackerbarrel. And all was once again right with the world. At Crackerbarrel, it's easy to forget the smell of artificial flowers and the feel of plastic-covered cushions beneath your bum. You no longer have to think about how many ceramic i-don't-care-why-do-people-make-these-things?? knick-knacks that there are in existence out there, no doubt made by people on depression medication who question the meaning of life. Nobody wants a ceramic snail. I don't care who you are.
so anyway. My family's den, Nathan wil be glad to hear, will be soon fitted up nicely with new wicker furniture when he comes home in a week or two for a visit. Yes, it's a little stiff. Yes, it makes that scratchy/squeaky noise that you didn't know was possible until wicker (how can a squeak be a scratch and vice versa?), but it's lovely to behold and has sproingy cushions. We're happy.
After that was a visit to my Grandma's for some Sloan Family Eatin', followed by a trip to Coats for an annual July 4th get-together/Bug-nanza. there were bugs. Everywhere. I mean, EVERYWHERE. There's nothing like playing guitar and singing with a bunch of folks as the target of a spotlight in an outdoor setting where bugs make a bee-line (pun intended) for any source of light within a two-mile radius. You try smiling and strumming your way through a song with a bug on your neck and no way to get it off. GET IT OFF!!!! I had to settle for swatting frantically between songs, an act that only seemed to amuse the bugs and invite them to bring their friends to see the spectacle. They ranged in size from those "no-see-ums" all the way up to the gigantic humming-bird-sized "go for the eyes" bugs that apparently have no name at all. It's hard to feel patriotic when the fireworks are all going off behind you as you sing and there's a bug down your shirt.
Jeffrey and I discovered this interesting product called the Mosquito Deleto at Lowes on Sunday and we've yet to try it out but i was seriously wishing for one last night (Off does nothing in the face of an insect army, it would seem). It supposedly releases a patented smell over a 100ft radius that makes you "invisible" to mosquitoes by blocking their ability to find you through the carbon dioxide released in your breath and even body heat. (Incredulous chuckle) We'll see. Product test results to follow.
All bug issues aside, however, it was a lovely gathering with tons of great people (including Mr.David Pace), the best sweet tea on the Eastern Seaboard, and my own little fan club of kids below the age of twelve who insisted on chanting my name whenever I went onstage. I love kids. Well, I didn't when I was one but i do now. My parents even came out to watch the fireworks and share the patriotic spirit. Does Lee Greenwood give anyone else goosebumps or is it just me? Or maybe just the bugs.

Have a good day, people.

I've got so much love for you, I'm giving it away for free...and you're the only kid standing beside the road at my love parade.

You Are Now Entering the Land of Dude

Yeah, so I haven't written in a week. Not that I can even write much now, being as I'm at work, but I thought I'd at least take a stab at posting this week since this has been a great week and a week of a very big change for me.

Let me first say, though, that all my peeps need to back up off me about not visiting because until homegirl gets her first paycheck, homegirl is PO! So chill and be patient! Seriously, I miss you guys and i'll come visit as soon as i can. Or feel like it.

Anyway.

I started at my new job as a technical writer up here in Cary on Monday and let me just say, I'm LOVING IT! It's one of those situations where everything's so great, you're just waiting for everything to come crashing down around your ears and get you fired. Seriously, these are some of the coolest people I've ever worked with and even though I'm writing online manuals, I've at least been given free-reign as the company technical-writing expert (yeah) to write them the best way that I see fit. How cools is that? I'm now in the process of trying to learn our company products backwards and forwards so that I can write about them with at least a shred of insight and in a way that Joe Shmoe off the street would know what the heck I'm talking about. This is proving to be a bit trickier than I thought. The learning process involves meeting with my product contacts (aka. people who work with the products every day and are the experts) and interrogating them with no mercy until I can beat out a rough outline for the manual. Of course, nobody wants to be beaten or interrogated, so pinning these guys down is turning out to be difficult. Emails, emails, emails...possibly a meeting today. some time. Come on, guys! I'm spinning my tires here without your input! I can't write this thing until you show me what it is that I'm writing about (as in, walk me through how to use it myself). If I'm going to write how to use it the way I'd tell someone how to use it...i've gotta use it!! So far, that's not happened, but I feel confident that it will soon. In the meantime, I'm studying the product overviews, writing down questions I come up with to ask my contacts, and hoping that my supervisor won't think I'm slack.
Now, about my office. It's small, no windows, and cold as something really cold, but I like it. The walls are bare right now but I've got pictures of Jeffrey and my brother, along with my little windup pair of lederhosen, on my desk and that's good enough for right now. There's an air conditioning vent right above my desk that blows arctic air constantly so today, I find myself (with 96 degree temperatures outside) sitting at my desk in jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and a fleece jacket. My hands are freezing so I alternate which one i'm sitting on. Which is neither right now because I'm typing. Brrrr. I know I'm going to burn up and sweat like nobody's business when i leave the building for lunch but the truth is, right now i'm looking forward to that. Switching back and forth everyday is probably going to end up giving me pneumonia though. *cough* I seriously need a box of kleenex in here because i've got that "cold nose drip" thing going on. Really. It's cold in here.
Supposedly, this will only be my office until September, when we further take over the second floor of our office building and I'll get a new office. Hopefully where it's warmer and I have a window. that'd be nice. do they make posters that look like windows?
Oh well...I'm going to go. The guy across the hall is shouting something about Alabama in a voice that sounds very much like Zack Houston's beloved "Alabama Man!" and it's distracting me. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I should be at least attempting to learn this stuff. Before this is all over, I will be the next writer in the "For Dummies" series, helping people work out their technical difficulties whilst also making them chuckle to themselves on occasion. I will inspire.

Until next time, folks, appreciate your socks. You don't know what kind of heck you endure without them until you make the mistake of wearing clogs to work in an office the exact temperature of those Chilly Willy's you're all enjoying so much right now. I hope they melt all over you.